Befriending your Anxiety

I am sitting here imagining that you definitely don’t like talking about anxiety as much as I do.  If you are here reading about anxiety, it’s probably not because it’s a mere curiosity.  I’m guessing that your anxiety has gotten way too big, and it’s making you miserable.  You might even be pretty certain that no one can help, and yet you’re desperate for something to change.

There are lots of ways to approach anxiety.  We’ve already talked about some of those in other blogs.  Now we’ll turn to my favorite way to address anxiety.  The thing is, it is also one of the most difficult ways to approach anxiety on your own.  We often need some support with anxiety, especially when getting started with a non-judgemental befriending approach.  And yet, I also find this to be one of the gentlest approaches that can produce the most change over time.

Does it surprise you that a gentle, non-judgemental approach could be challenging to do on your own?  We tend to be very hard on ourselves, especially on the parts of ourselves that we don’t like.  So, yes, sometimes we need some support to be a little nicer on the inside.

Back to the issue at hand.  Anxiety.  How do you feel about your anxiety?  Most people feel very negatively about their anxiety and do whatever they can to ignore it, avoid it, push it down, lock it away.  Sometimes that can work for a short time.  Over the long term, that almost always makes things worse.

It’s time to head in the other direction.  When we listen to our anxiety and dialog honestly and kindly with it, our anxiety will usually get a little quieter, a little calmer.  Our anxiety needs to know that it has been heard, that we understand its concerns, and that we’re working on things.  It actually doesn’t need to know that nothing is ever going to go wrong.  We don’t need to lie.  Anxiety needs to know that it isn’t alone.  You have a whole internal team that is capable of addressing everything that you have to face.  And that matters.

Have you spent much time around young children?  Let’s imagine that a 4-year-old is asking you for a cookie while you are talking to another adult.  You don’t want the child to have a cookie and you’d like the child to learn not to interrupt, so you ignore her.  What happens?  Oh, most 4-year-olds will get louder.  And louder.  She will stop pausing in between requests and just start yelling.  You bend down to her level and let her know in a calm voice that you have heard her ask for a cookie, that you agree that cookies are yummy, remind her that she’s had one and it was very good, and you’re very sorry that she will have to wait until tomorrow for another cookie.  If she trusts you, if she knows you, she will quiet down.  She might want a short snuggle, and then she’ll go play.

Our anxiety is so very much like a 4-year-old.  She can calm quickly when she’s been heard, understood, and knows that someone she trusts has a plan.

When our anxiety has gotten very big and has been making noise for a long time, it can be hard to approach it with kindness.  It can also be hard to remember that we do also have an internal adult self that can be regulated, calm, kind, and non-judgemental.  Our counsellors can help you find that part of you.  It is this beautiful, compassionate part of you that is key to bringing balance to your anxiety and all the other pieces of life that feel too big for you.  We can help you get there.