Book Review— Untangled: Guiding teenage girls through the seven transitions into adulthood by Lisa Damour, PhD

This is a must read for anyone who lives or works with teen girls!  Lisa Damour has a delightful understanding and appreciation for teen girls and generously lets the rest of us in on all the secrets.  In this book, Lisa aims to untangle the confusion of adolescent development for us and present it as seven transitions that teen girls must go through.  In Untangled, Lisa aims to help parents untangle themselves from the “emotional knots we get caught in with our teenage daughters.”

Throughout this book, Lisa presents the changes of adolescence as natural, normal, and sensible.  She presents teen girls in a positive light and presents their parents as well-intentioned, if not more than a little stymied.  She never pretends that this period of life is simple or easy, but neither does she set parents up to expect deep, stormy seas.  Lisa is consistently clear, compassionate, and entirely reasonable throughout.

Each chapter takes us through a theme of development, letting parents know what to expect and giving examples of what a reasonable response could be.  Lisa says lovely things such as when she encourages parents to go ahead and say things their daughters might not want to hear.  She says, “Girls can listen and roll their eyes at the same time.”  She concludes each chapter with how to spot when something isn’t going well and how to address it.

Here’s a brief journey through Lisa’s seven transitions of teen girls. . .

Parting with Childhood

Most parents will notice that their girls enter the teen years showing a mix of interests, some of which remain childish and others which are quite adult.  Girls may occasionally enjoy shows, toys, or activities from their younger years while taking a break from Calculus homework.  Similarly, competencies will shift.  One minute a teen girl is comfortably able to create the whole family dinner, but the next day needs you to make her pancakes.

Parents will also find that there may be abrupt shifts in connection.  One minute their daughter is spilling all of her concerns and looking for reassurance; the next minute she is out the door without saying goodbye.  Lisa tells parents why all of this is to be expected and that while these transitions will not be smooth, they will begin to even out in time.

Joining a New Tribe

Here Lisa takes us through the mysteries of shifting alliances, the challenges of making new friends, and dealing with bullying behaviors.  She describes how there is research to support what many parents already know: teens are twice as likely to take risks when with their friends.  She walks parents through the complications of girls dealing with frenemies as well as the challenges of friends who are going through deep issues.

Harnessing Emotions

This is the chapter when Lisa address the reasons why so many people think of teen girls as crazy and why she doesn’t buy into that interpretation.  She tells us—"Here’s the bottom line: what your daughter broadcasts matches what she actually experiences.  Really, it’s just that intense, so take her feelings seriously, regardless of how overblown they might seem.”  Lisa goes on to detail just how it is that parents end up feeling like they are going along for a wild ride and how to respectfully and lovingly avoid hopping onto that ride.  One such way she calls “externalization” in which teens manage to let their parents hold all the emotion for them.  This is not because teens have it in for their parents, but because things genuinely feel like too much for them.  Lisa takes parents through how to help teen girls manage their emotions and how to steer them away from some of the pitfalls.

Contending with Adult Authority

At age 11, girls become capable of abstract reasoning, and from there, everything changes.  They increasingly will deserve more complete and honest explanations for rules and other questions.  Lisa explains just how and why setting boundaries is important and what can happen if you don’t.  In this chapter you’ll also find an encouragement to engage in healthy conflict and guidance on how to repair with your daughter when the relationship is ruptured.

Planning for the Future

Here Lisa acknowledges the tendency among teens to change their minds.  No worry there at all, Lisa says.  The concern is only if there is no plan at all or the plan is driving too much anxiety.  The need for autonomy can get in the way of parent support for future plans, but Lisa tells parents how they can navigate around this.  Dealing with test anxiety or grades?  Lisa has ideas for you.  She also writes about how when faced with a disappointment, boys are more likely to attribute the problem to the situation or task itself whereas girls are more likely to blame themselves and thus suffer more from disappointments.  Lisa encourages parents to be actively involved in helping girls to develop a growth mindset to help them weather those disappointments.

Entering the Romantic World

In this realm, Lisa cautions parents not to over-react, least they decrease their chances of keeping communication open for the future.  She makes sense of the boy-band phenomenon calling it “A match made in marketing heaven.”  One of Lisa’s suggestions about giving guidance for dating is to take advantage of information your daughter might share about her friends’ choices and actions in the dating world.  Another strong point that Lisa makes here is to continue to come back to the idea that girls can absolutely consider what they want in relationships and not simply go along with expectations.  She encourages that teaching girls to follow their inner compass in this way can be protective in the long run.

Caring for Herself

The first point Lisa makes in this chapter is that girls have a tendency to nod along to what parents are saying without actually listening.  She calls it their “veils of obedience.”  She then spends the rest of the chapter sharing lots of ideas for how to insert bite-sized advice and encouragement while girls are listening.  She covers topics such as food and weight, sleep and technology, drinking, drugs, and sex.  Getting very real about all of it, Lisa walks parents through what to say, when to say it, and when to get help.

I tend to be critical of what I read, but I can’t find a thing to criticize about Lisa Damour’s book about teen girl development.  She is insightful, compassionate, and honest.  After reading this book, parents may feel much more certain of their decisions and how to tackle many of the most vexing issues in their homes.  I highly, highly recommend this book!