Book Review: Attached
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find--and Keep-- Love by Amir Levine MD and Rachel S.F. Heller MA
I have been recommending the book, Attached, to lots of clients lately. It’s been around for 12 years now, but seems to be catching on recently. It goes through the three major categories of attachment, giving lots of clear examples of how that shows up in adults and how various combinations work together in relationships. I recommend it to clients for its clarity and its depiction of secure attachment. The book is written in simple, clear language and is a quick read.
I like that the book makes a lot of effort to state that attachment is healthy! We are made for relationship. We are created to be connected to each other. It is normal and healthy to depend on each other.
I do, however, have a whole bunch of reservations about the book.
Simplicity has its downsides and there’s a ton of important nuance that’s left out. Think of the book as an introduction to attachment styles and not an exhaustive description of who you are.
There is a chapter detailing an abusive relationship, but the authors do not once label the relationship as abuse. I think that’s irresponsible. Their point here is that attachment issues can make relationships hard to leave, but there’s so much more that needed to be said.
They state that an anxious/avoidant attachment style is rare, which I found surprising. I was taught that it’s not a question of whether you are one or the other. The question is how anxious you are AND how avoidant you are. You are likely to be a bit more of one than the other, but a bit of both.
The book seems to suggest, repeatedly, that you can choose to become a different attachment style. Yes, you can do hard work with a therapist and hopefully become securely attached, but it’s unlikely that you can simply choose to behave like a securely attached person on the strength of your will. That’s painful.
I’m also uncomfortable with the suggestion that the authors make that you can change your partner to be a more secure person. Maybe sometimes. Occasionally, that might happen to a degree. In many cases, that doesn’t happen. If you have a partner who is quite insecure, it’s unlikely that you will change that person’s reactions to relationship, especially if your partner isn’t working on it. This becomes a huge issue if your partner is abusive. Through your secure, attuned, loving responses, you can’t get an abuser to stop abusing you.
I think they oversell dependence. They state again and again that you are responsible for your partner’s emotional well-being. Well. . . that’s a nice thing to say. It’s a new thing to say when culture and even psychology has long been saying that we are only responsible for ourselves and we’re immature if we lean on others. I think their statement is just out of balance. We are healthiest when we balance our own responsibility to ourselves with our responsibility to our partners. When our partners do the same, relationships can be very good!